4.2 Emotional intelligence in children
Goleman (1995) states that the family is the first context in which we learn about emotional life. Emotional education operates not only through the words and actions of parents addressed directly to the child, but also through the models they offer them by showing them how they handle their feelings and their marital relationship. The way parents treat children has profound and lasting consequences for their emotional lives. Having emotionally intelligent parents is a source of great benefit for the child. Parents may sometimes behave inappropriately towards their child.
Essentially, there are three types of inappropriate parental behaviour:
Completely ignoring feelings: such parents treat the child's emotional turmoil as if it were a trivial matter or a nuisance whose natural extinction they have to wait for. They fail to take advantage of psychologically charged moments to get closer to the child or to help the child learn certain emotional skills;
Assuming an overly 'let-it-happen' attitude: these parents notice the child's feelings, but believe that whatever strategy he or she adopts to manage his or her inner storm - even physical confrontation - is fine. Like those who ignore the child's feelings, these parents rarely intervene to try to show their child an alternative response. They try to calm any upset and in order to get the child to stop being sad or angry, they will haggle and resort to flattery;
Being dismissive, showing no respect for the child's feelings: these parents usually have a disapproving attitude and are harsh in both criticism and punishment.
One of the fundamental emotional lessons for a child is being able to distinguish different feelings; this ability develops with age (Elksnin & Elksnin, 2003): three-year-olds can accurately identify sadness, happiness and fear using non-verbal signals such as facial expressions, gestures and voice (Nabuzoka & Smith, 1995).
Children who learn to manage their emotions and control their instincts tolerate stressful situations better, learn to communicate their emotional states better and are able to develop positive relationships with family and friends; they also achieve more success in school, work and life (Elias & Weisberg, 2000; Elias, Zins, Weissberg, Frey, Greenberg, Haynes, Kessler, Schwab-Stone & Shriver, 1997; Payton, Wardlaw, Graczyk, Bloody, Trompsett & Weissberg, 2000).
Mischel and Ebbeson (1970) demonstrated how crucial the ability to repress emotions and resist impulse was. The task to which they subjected four-year-old children was as follows: the children had to wait for the examiner to return without eating the sweets left in the room; if they were able to hold out until the examiner returned, they would receive two sweets as a prize; if they could not wait, they would receive one sweet immediately.
The longitudinal study showed that children who had resisted temptation at the age of four showed greater social competence as adolescents; they were personally effective, self-confident and able to cope with life's frustrations. They accepted challenges and pursued their goals without giving up even in the face of difficulties and postponing gratification; they had self-confidence and were themselves perceived by others as trustworthy. In contrast, the subjects who had not resisted the temptation at the age of four (they were about 30% of the group) had a relatively more problematic psychological profile as adults.
Many shied away from social contacts because of shyness; they were easily upset by frustrations; they were stubborn and indecisive; they considered themselves worthless; they were mistrustful and resentful because they were convinced that they 'didn't get enough'; they were prone to envy and jealousy and reacted to irritation in a sharp manner, triggering quarrels and conflicts. Moreover, they were incapable of delaying gratification. Those who had been patient as children became far better students than those who had not been able to wait; they were far more competent at school. The importance of emotional intelligence in academic success has also been confirmed in more recent times (Downey, Mountstephen, Lloyd, Hansen & Stough, 2008; Lam & Kirby, 2002; Salovey, Bedell, Detweiler & Mayer, 2000).
In this regard, programmes have also been developed in recent times to teach emotions at school. Goleman (1995) describes the experience of a primary school in San Francisco in which the Science of the Self is taught, which has as its object of study feelings, both one's own and those arising in relationships with others. These emotional literacy courses aim to raise the level of social and emotional competence in children as part of their regular education. Teaching content includes self-awareness (i.e. the ability to recognise feelings and build a vocabulary for verbalising them), grasping the connections between thoughts, feelings and emotions, knowing whether one is making a decision based on thoughts or feelings, predicting the consequences of alternative choices, and applying this knowledge to decisions on issues such as drugs, smoking or sex. The importance of these emotional intelligence learning programmes has also been confirmed by Vandervoort (2006), Uluta5 & Dmero§lu (2007).