Lesson 4: Emotional intelligence

Today's young people are lonely and depressed, more nervous, aggressive and impulsive, more unprepared for life because they lack the emotional tools necessary to initiate behaviour such as self-awareness, self-control, empathy (Umberto Galimberti). Children must be taught to recognise and manage their emotions, otherwise they will remain emotionally illiterate.

4.1 Introduction

The concept of emotional intelligence was introduced by Salovey and Mayer (1990) to describe "the ability individuals have to monitor their own feelings and those of others, discriminating between various types of emotion and using this information to channel thoughts and actions". The term was later popularised by Goleman through the publication of his book Emotional Intelligence (1995), which describes emotional intelligence as a set of skills or characteristics that are fundamental to coping successfully in life: self-control, enthusiasm, perseverance and the ability to self-motivate. Later, Mayer and Salovey (1997) extended the definition to include the ability to perceive emotions, to compare emotions and feelings, to understand information derived from these emotions and to be able to handle them. Baron (1997, 2000) in his theoretical model defines emotional intelligence as a sum of emotional and social competences that determine how a person relates to himself and others in order to cope with environmental pressures and demands. 

According to Goleman (1995) and Mayer and Salovey (1997), emotional intelligence includes five domains: 

- getting to know one's own emotions 

- handling one's emotions 

- motivating oneself 

- recognising the emotions of others 

- using social skills when interacting with others 

With regard to recognising one's emotions, Goleman (1995) refers to the state of self-awareness that makes a person able to recognise emotions when they arise. According to the author, this ability is one of the foundations of emotional intelligence because the ability to identify and monitor one's emotions increases the individual's level of self-awareness and ability to control and monitor one's life. This awareness enables the individual to make conscious choices about major, as well as minor, life events. 

According to Shapiro (1998), a child's ability to put his or her emotions into words is fundamental; learning to identify and communicate emotions is an important part of communication and is a basic determinant for the acquisition of emotional control. The concept of knowing oneself stems from having self-awareness; this is expressed in an individual's ability to look introspectively at one's thoughts, feelings and actions. By positively tuning the level of knowledge of one's emotions when one's conscious and unconscious thoughts are subject to exploration, a person acquires emotional competence of the self. 

With regard to handling one's emotions, Goleman (1995) defines this skill as significant for increasing the level of self-awareness; it is seen as the ability to tolerate positive and negative events in our lives in a balanced manner; it is a fundamental characteristic for stability and well-being. 

Self-motivation can be seen as the push the individual gives himself/herself to achieve a certain goal. Zirkel (2000) states that, in attempting to understand motivation in the individual, scholars pay more attention to the results towards which a behaviour is directed than to the behaviour itself. According to Richburg and Fletcher (2002), motivating oneself is one of the fundamental skills for achieving an outcome. For Lane (2000), motivation reflects the ability to create a positive push to increase the possibility of achieving a personal goal. Goleman associates motivation with a flow that can be represented as a state of forgetfulness of the self where emotions create an optimal experience in achieving the goal (Csikszenmilalyi & Csikszentmihalyi, 1988). During this state of flow, emotions are positive and feelings of harmony and joy are present. This level of emotion leads to success because the individual does not focus on the action, but rather on the pleasure of the act. 

Recognising emotions in others is one of the most important social skills that enhances empathy and social competence. 

According to Gardner (1983), the fundamental capacity of personal intelligence includes 'the ability to notice and make distinctions between individuals on the basis of mood, temperament and motivation'. He links interpersonal intelligence to the child's ability to discriminate and detect the mood of other individuals. 

Regarding the use of social skills in interaction with others, Richburg and Fletcher (2002) state that this ability reflects the level of self-awareness; exposure to social situations increases the likelihood of having satisfying relationships. 

Goleman (1995) in his book 'Emotional Intelligence' analyses Block's study (1995) on what he calls 'ego resilience', a construct analogous to emotional intelligence; in his studies, Block compared two pure theoretical types: high IQ individuals and high emotional intelligence individuals and showed that high IQ individuals are skilled in the mental realm but inept in the personal realm. The profiles differ slightly depending on whether they are male or female. 

The man with a high IQ has a wide range of interests and intellectual abilities, is ambitious and productive, trusting and stubborn, and is not troubled by self-referential concerns; he tends to be critical and condescending, demanding and inhibited, uncomfortable in the sphere of sexuality and sensual experiences, detached and unemotional, cold and indifferent emotionally. On the other hand, men with great emotional intelligence are socially balanced, expansive and cheerful, not subject to fears or brooding of an anxious nature, they have a great capacity to devote themselves to other people or to a cause, they take responsibility and have ethical conceptions and outlooks; in their relationships with others they show themselves to be understanding, caring and protective. Their emotional life is rich but appropriate; these people feel at ease with themselves, with others and in the social universe in which they live. 

With regard to women, Goleman reports that, in Block's study, those with high IQs have intellectual confidence, are fluent in expressing their thoughts, have many intellectual and aesthetic interests; they also tend to be introspective, prone to anxiety, second-guessing and guilt, and are reticent in expressing their anger openly (even if they do so indirectly). Emotionally intelligent women, on the other hand, tend to be self-confident, express their feelings directly and have positive feelings about themselves. They are extrovert and gregarious, express their feelings in a balanced way and adapt well to stress. This balance allows them to make new acquaintances easily; they feel comfortable enough with themselves to be cheerful, spontaneous and open to new experiences. Unlike pure type women with high IQs, they rarely feel anxious or guilty and rarely sink into brooding. 

Hatch and Gardner (1989) identify four distinct abilities as components of interpersonal intelligence: 

Ability to organise groups: this is the essential skill of the leader; it involves the ability to coordinate the efforts of a network of individuals.

Ability to negotiate solutions: this is the mediator's talent, capable of preventing conflicts or resolving those already in progress. 

Ability to establish personal bonds: this is the skill of empathy and of knowing how to connect with others. It facilitates the initiation of an interaction, the recognition of feelings and concerns in others and stimulates the appropriate response.

Ability in the analysis of the social situation: this is the ability to recognise and understand the feelings, motivations and concerns of others. This knowledge of how others feel can facilitate intimacy and relationships. 


4.2 Emotional intelligence in children

Goleman (1995) states that the family is the first context in which we learn about emotional life. Emotional education operates not only through the words and actions of parents addressed directly to the child, but also through the models they offer them by showing them how they handle their feelings and their marital relationship. The way parents treat children has profound and lasting consequences for their emotional lives. Having emotionally intelligent parents is a source of great benefit for the child. Parents may sometimes behave inappropriately towards their child.

Essentially, there are three types of inappropriate parental behaviour: 

Completely ignoring feelings: such parents treat the child's emotional turmoil as if it were a trivial matter or a nuisance whose natural extinction they have to wait for. They fail to take advantage of psychologically charged moments to get closer to the child or to help the child learn certain emotional skills; 

Assuming an overly 'let-it-happen' attitude: these parents notice the child's feelings, but believe that whatever strategy he or she adopts to manage his or her inner storm - even physical confrontation - is fine. Like those who ignore the child's feelings, these parents rarely intervene to try to show their child an alternative response. They try to calm any upset and in order to get the child to stop being sad or angry, they will haggle and resort to flattery; 

Being dismissive, showing no respect for the child's feelings: these parents usually have a disapproving attitude and are harsh in both criticism and punishment.

One of the fundamental emotional lessons for a child is being able to distinguish different feelings; this ability develops with age (Elksnin & Elksnin, 2003): three-year-olds can accurately identify sadness, happiness and fear using non-verbal signals such as facial expressions, gestures and voice (Nabuzoka & Smith, 1995). 

Children who learn to manage their emotions and control their instincts tolerate stressful situations better, learn to communicate their emotional states better and are able to develop positive relationships with family and friends; they also achieve more success in school, work and life (Elias & Weisberg, 2000; Elias, Zins, Weissberg, Frey, Greenberg, Haynes, Kessler, Schwab-Stone & Shriver, 1997; Payton, Wardlaw, Graczyk, Bloody, Trompsett & Weissberg, 2000). 

Mischel and Ebbeson (1970) demonstrated how crucial the ability to repress emotions and resist impulse was. The task to which they subjected four-year-old children was as follows: the children had to wait for the examiner to return without eating the sweets left in the room; if they were able to hold out until the examiner returned, they would receive two sweets as a prize; if they could not wait, they would receive one sweet immediately. 

The longitudinal study showed that children who had resisted temptation at the age of four showed greater social competence as adolescents; they were personally effective, self-confident and able to cope with life's frustrations. They accepted challenges and pursued their goals without giving up even in the face of difficulties and postponing gratification; they had self-confidence and were themselves perceived by others as trustworthy. In contrast, the subjects who had not resisted the temptation at the age of four (they were about 30% of the group) had a relatively more problematic psychological profile as adults.

Many shied away from social contacts because of shyness; they were easily upset by frustrations; they were stubborn and indecisive; they considered themselves worthless; they were mistrustful and resentful because they were convinced that they 'didn't get enough'; they were prone to envy and jealousy and reacted to irritation in a sharp manner, triggering quarrels and conflicts. Moreover, they were incapable of delaying gratification. Those who had been patient as children became far better students than those who had not been able to wait; they were far more competent at school. The importance of emotional intelligence in academic success has also been confirmed in more recent times (Downey, Mountstephen, Lloyd, Hansen & Stough, 2008; Lam & Kirby, 2002; Salovey, Bedell, Detweiler & Mayer, 2000). 

In this regard, programmes have also been developed in recent times to teach emotions at school. Goleman (1995) describes the experience of a primary school in San Francisco in which the Science of the Self is taught, which has as its object of study feelings, both one's own and those arising in relationships with others. These emotional literacy courses aim to raise the level of social and emotional competence in children as part of their regular education. Teaching content includes self-awareness (i.e. the ability to recognise feelings and build a vocabulary for verbalising them), grasping the connections between thoughts, feelings and emotions, knowing whether one is making a decision based on thoughts or feelings, predicting the consequences of alternative choices, and applying this knowledge to decisions on issues such as drugs, smoking or sex. The importance of these emotional intelligence learning programmes has also been confirmed by Vandervoort (2006), Uluta5 & Dmero§lu (2007). 

Emotional Intelligence at School 

Learning to observe emotions without getting absorbed helps one to be more clear headed and aware, letting them flow without crushing them gives strength and energy, accepting the alternation of joy and sorrow by enjoying and utilising all our experiences, brings energy inside, instead of wasting it uselessly. In general, however, this aspect is completely ignored in our society, leaving individuals in complete emotional barbarism, with an exponential increase in violence and anger brought about by the explosive mixture of unfulfilled desires and repression. We live in a society where the circulation of information is at a maximum and interpersonal contact is reduced to a minimum: not only between peers, but especially between parents and children. This lack risks leading us to an emotional illiteracy that is worrying, to say the least: we only learn the fundamental lessons about emotionality, our own and others', from interpersonal relationships. For this reason, it is extremely important that the adult (the caregiver) who accompanies the child's development and educates him or her is present on a daily basis and accompanies the child's development, day by day. Often, this is not the case because both parents work and the extended family is no longer the most common social structure and, increasingly less, grandparents represent a stable, daily point of reference. Therefore, it becomes more important than ever that School Institutions make room for the development of emotional competences from an early age, from Nursery School through to High School, because emotional development begins as soon as a child is born, but is not completed until maturity, and not all adults become 'emotionally intelligent'. 

Let's start again: what does it mean to be polite? The current view is that being educated involves being well-informed, responsible, considerate and, many would add, non-violent (M.J.Elias, J.Zins, R.P.Weissberg & al, 1997). It means that the traditional focus on intellectual abilities - IQ - must be complemented by a strong focus on social and emotional abilities: EI abilities - EQ. This is precisely why it makes sense to introduce E.I. among the school subjects and, as Goleman points out: 

"Because for so many young people the family context no longer offers a secure foothold in life, schools remain the only institution to which the community can turn to correct children's deficiencies in emotional and social competence... since almost all children go to school, at least at first, school is a place that allows them to reach out to each and every one of them and provide them with fundamental life lessons that, otherwise, they might never receive."(Goleman,1996) 

Precisely because most children go to school, it makes sense to focus efforts on the promotion of social competence and the prevention of problem behaviour precisely at school (M.J.Elias et al., 1997). Schools are also an ideal place for prevention because research indicates that low school performance is a significant risk factor for a large number of problem behaviours such as drug abuse and delinquency (R.P.Weissberg & M.T.Greenberg, 1997). 

Thus, prevention efforts in the compulsory schooling can protect against the development of problematic behaviour as well as promote mental health. In conclusion, we know that 

- learning emotional skills begins at home

- children enter school with different 'emotional starting points' (J.Mayer and P.Salovey, 1997) 

- emotional intelligence is composed of a set of activities

- most E.I. skills can be improved through education (J.Mayer and P.Salovey, 1997) therefore, it would be important for schools to face the challenge of teaching, as well as adjusting, the emotional skills of their pupils. This challenge can be supported by introducing emotional literacy among school subjects, as well as by creating a school climate that fosters the development and application of emotional skills. 

Emotional Literacy 

The purpose of E.I., we said, is to teach people how to manage their emotions intelligently, so that they support and guide their behaviour and thinking. In this sense, we speak of emotional literacy. Emotional literacy is a process quite similar to the process of literacy in the classical sense of the term that led, at the beginning of the last century, to the majority of Europeans being able to read and write. As Dan Kindlon and Michael Thompson (2000) put it in their 'Emotional Intelligence for Child Who Will Be a Man': 

"Teaching the alphabet of emotions to help children become balanced and serene young men... the ability to read and understand their own emotions and those of others. This process is very similar to the process in which one learns to read.... Similarly, emotional literacy involves recognising the appearance and feelings associated with our emotions, and later using these skills to better understand ourselves and others. We thus learn to appreciate the complexity of emotional life and this improves our personal and professional relationships, helping us to strengthen the bonds that enrich our lives." (Kindlon and Thompson, 2000) 

Emotional life is an area that, as is certainly the case with mathematics or reading, can be handled with greater or lesser skill and requires a unique set of skills.

This is how Goleman emphasises the importance of emotional education: 

"The remedy lies in the way we prepare children for life: we must not leave emotional education to chance, but adopt innovative courses at school that teach self-control, self-awareness, empathy, listening and cooperation. What is needed, therefore, is a real 'emotional literacy' that sets children to live their emotions intelligently' (Goleman, 1996). 

E.I., unlike IQ, can be enhanced throughout life: it tends to increase in proportion to the awareness of moods, the ability to manage emotions that cause suffering, and the greater refinement of listening and empathy. Maturity itself is about the process by which we become more intelligent about our emotions and relationships. Observation has shown that the best results in all areas are obtained by those who can consciously use the most effective precision tool nature has given us: emotions. But, in order to enhance or acquire this skill, exercise is necessary: that is why we talk about Emotional Training. 

Emotional Training 

John Gottman (1997) in his handbook for parents entitled 'Emotional Intelligence for a Child' defines Emotional Training as the basis for a good upbringing of one's children and divides it into five key stages: 

1. be aware of the child's emotions;

2. recognise in Emotion an opportunity for intimacy and teaching;

3. listen with empathy and validate the child's feelings;

4. help the child find the words to define the Emotions they feel; 

5. setting limits while helping the child to solve the problem. 

These five steps are indeed very effective, even when training teachers who will be in contact with children on their growth path, because to be emotional coaches it is very important to apply these five steps first of all to oneself and one's own emotions. John Gottman, in the lines just below, gives several good reasons to take emotional literacy seriously, not only at home, but especially in schools. 

"...Our studies show that emotionally trained children perform better in school, are healthier and establish more positive relationships with peers. They also have fewer behaviour problems and are able to recover more quickly after negative experiences. The emotional intelligence they have acquired enables them to be better prepared to face the risks and challenges that await them in life." 

We would add that Emotional Training is the tool that can make children and young people experience the use of their emotions as instruments of well-being, security and joy, definitively setting aside the idea that emotion is a bugbear to run away from, hide from or be ashamed of. 

Emotional Illiteracy 

Having low EQ, poor emotional competence can lead to significant social, relational, personal, life and community discomfort: 

- lack of awareness and thus of control and management of one's emotions and related behaviour.

- lack of awareness of the reasons why one feels a certain way

 - inability to relate to the unacknowledged and disrespected emotions of others - and the behaviour that results from them. 

Emotional illiteracy can expose children and adolescents to a dangerous range of risks, from the most serious such as: depression, violence, eating disorders, drugs, to learning problems and, in less serious cases, purely emotional problems such as: nervousness, impulsiveness and aggression, loneliness. It is often precisely the prevention of these risks that calls for Emotional Literacy courses or even the introduction of E.I. as a curricular subject. 

So let's see what the effects of these interventions are. 

The positive effects of Emotional Literacy 

In the United States, it was verified that children who followed Emotional Literacy courses benefited extensively in their conduct in and out of the classroom and in their ability to learn. Improvement occurred in all classic areas of E.I. (Goleman, 1996, pg.327-328) 

An improvement occurred in Emotional Self-awareness:

- the ability to recognise and name one's emotions 

- to understand the causes of feelings 

- to recognise the difference between feelings and actions 

An improvement was observed in Emotion Control with regards to: 

In directing Emotions in a productive sense were observed: 

In Empathy and Reading Emotions there was an improvement in the ability to:


4.3 Educating Adults: Teachers and Parents

Daily practice shows that the teacher has a primordial way of managing and teaching children's emotions. It is therefore of primordial importance to follow from early childhood, then throughout the course of schooling, the child's development and help him or her to cope with difficulties, to guide him or her in the management of his or her emotions, to arrive at a balance between the rational mind and the emotional mind. (J.Castex, 2000) 

It is important to reiterate how important the adults around the child are in the whole process of both emotional and cognitive development. It is imperative that every adult educator constantly remembers to be first and foremost a role model for the children around him or her, which is precisely why the educational model of 'Do what I say, but don't do what I do' is unlikely, to say the least! Children only and exclusively do what they see their caregivers do repeatedly; that is why they learn to express and understand emotions from the adults around them. Adults who play an important role in the lives of children, especially very young children, if they want to help them, will have to fully experience their own emotions, be aware of them and manage their expressiveness and actions according to the children's emotions (Denham, 2001). Here, in more detail, is what has been gained from research so far on the three fundamental aspects of interaction between adults and children, namely: 

1. adult expressiveness 

2. emotion training 

3. adults' reactions to children's emotions


1. Adult expressiveness 

Children who have relationships with more emotionally positive adults tend to be more positive themselves towards their peers; in contrast, the attitude displayed in kindergarten by children of more negative parents appears to be associated with lower social competence. Adults who report being emotionally positive in problematic circumstances raise children who are more apt at understanding emotions. 

2. Emotion training by adults 

Adults who are better able to provide children with emotion training help them to better understand emotions and prove themselves more socially competent in kindergarten. Children, even at such a young age, can 'sniff out' the difference between being bullied or rebuked through emotional language, so not all emotional speech is of equal value! 

3. Adult reactions to children's emotions 

Adults' reactions to children's emotional displays are important, as children generalise them to their own expressiveness and use them to construct their own knowledge of emotions. For example, discouraging children's emotions by telling them, "Stop crying!" is a powerful deterrent against self-reflection on emotions and is therefore an obstacle to emotion knowledge. Paying attention and providing positive reinforcement to children's emotions, accepting them, taking note of them and reacting in a way that meets their practical needs can pave the way for better learning about emotions, which is then reflected in social competence. 

We can conclude that in order to ensure good emotional training, it is necessary for teachers to be emotionally competent themselves. Nobody is able to teach what they do not know! Research has confirmed that when adults work with their own emotions, they are able to accompany and speed up the E.I. development process of the children in their care. The optimal profile of emotional literacy programmes is to start early, to be age-appropriate, to be carried out in every school year and to coordinate efforts at school, at home and in the community (M.J.Elias, L.Hunter and J.S.Kress, 1997). "Whether or not there is a course explicitly devoted to emotional literacy may be far less important than how these lessons are taught. There is perhaps no subject like this in which the quality of teachers matters so much; the way a teacher handles the classroom is in itself a model, a lesson in fact, of emotional competence or lack thereof. Every attitude of a teacher towards a pupil is a lesson to twenty or thirty other students'. Not all teachers, due to their character, are inclined to teach emotions, as it is necessary to 'feel comfortable talking about one's feelings and not everyone is or wants to be...'. Little or nothing in the usual training of teachers prepares them for this kind of teaching" (Goleman, 1996, p. 322-323). For these reasons, emotional literacy programmes generally provide prospective teachers with special and demanding training in which they first of all put themselves at stake and, before anything else, come into contact with their own emotions.